By Cornelius Ndubuisi
I once met a lady who I’d now simply describe as passionate about what she does: fashion designing. She passed through the University of Nigeria and equally let the university pass through her – through and through. Indeed, she’s everything we mean whenever we say a person is exposed; she knows next to everything that matters. She talks really well and exudes an impressive measure of intelligence. And the icing on her cake is that she’s super clear about what she wants out of this life; I was thrilled by her “big picture” and couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she outlined the qualities her man must possess. Honestly, I can’t forget in a hurry the nice time I had sitting next to her at a friend’s marriage ceremony.
I’m quite good at getting people talking, which is why I could get all these details in one sitting. And it’s not like I worked some magic on her; her openness, plus the conducive talking environment I created did it. Marveled at her charming personality, I asked her, “To what do you owe this outstanding human being you’ve become?” Guess what? She owed it all to her past. I was shocked by how she took out time to outline some of the experiences of her past, some of which were negative and tempting, that shaped her into who she has become. Looking at her, I saw someone who has succeeded in giving her past a very positive meaning and now talks about it with gratitude.
Yes, it’s true that some of our past may have taken something away from us, but we must be sincere enough to acknowledge the gift of experience they left us in return. For instance, didn’t that breakup teach you that not all that glitters is gold? Didn’t the loss of that loved one teach you to value those still alive and helped you become stronger all by yourself? Didn’t that betrayal teach you to better manage trust? Didn’t that failure sit you up? Didn’t that sickness give you the opportunity to rethink your life? Didn’t going broke give you the ginger to pursuing wealth? Didn’t that molestation show you firsthand that the world is a cruel place? Your particular experience could be worse than I can ever imagine, but rest assured it will take on a new meaning if you dare to see it differently.
Perspective is everything, they say. Wayne Dyer was right: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” And I pray you find solace in the words of Steve Jobs, “The dots will eventually connect.” The point remains: Turn those very things that broke you in the past into bricks with which your future is being built.
And if you’re struggling to forgive some people in your past, here are nine (9) ideas that promise to help you do it more easily. To say the least, you need to let them go so you can also go.
- They are humans too. And what humans do is make mistakes, disappoint, betray, and whatnots. And there’s no limit to how bad it can get. By the way, it’s likely you’ve done same to some others.
- Apology isn’t cheap; don’t base forgiveness on it. They may be sorry but too proud or ashamed to apologize. And that shouldn’t be your problem. Forgive them for your own good – even without them asking.
- The first law of nature is self-preservation. They were simply watching out for themselves; they were trying to stay alive for God, sadly, at your expense. Funnily, even the Constitution of the United States of America allows Mr. President to put his family first, as far as giving out his nuclear launch codes in exchange for the safety of his or her family. Or what do you think? Haven’t you had to choose between keeping your word and staying safe?
- Forgiving people who hurt you is first a gift to yourself before it is a gift to them. It frees you of the resentment you feel towards your offender. Show yourself some love, please. Here the legendary Mandela out: “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
- You know, the world is such a crazy place and the people around here are great at messing other people up. Why not start getting used to it, the fact that things may not change, such that you don’t even feel offended in the first place?
- Remember that it may have been your fault without your knowing it. If so, be generous enough to share the blame equally and forgive the other person already.
- Remember that there’s no peace for the wicked. They’re already in so much hell; why join them?
- Remember that some people are psycho, deriving pleasure in hurting others. Why bother when your unforgiveness makes no difference to them?
- They may have themselves reconciled with their past and moved on already. Move on too, please.
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