By Fr. Vitus Ugwu
The goal of Christian life is to become an-other Christ. Christians are those who learn from Christ (Mtt. 11:28-9), and not their culture (except their culture agrees with Christ) what to do and what to avoid. They are people who consult Christ, and not their culture when there is a thorny question to be answered or foggy doubt to be dispelled. They are people who have Christ as the root of their culture and then, and only then, culture as the root of Christ. Baptism of a culture by Christ, just like individual baptism, is not partly but wholly. Thus, as a group of people, the onus lies on us to keep interrogating the various aspects of our culture in the light of the gospel message of Christ. The latter offers us the rule with which to measure our culture and not vice versa. Christianity is the mirror through which nations are to see their true images. It is thus in the light of Christ that we see light (Ps. 36:9). We, therefore, intend to measure Nsukka cultural mourning model in the light of Christ’s gospel message, and to see whether or not it is suitable for Christians.
Before the coming of Christianity in Nsukka, we had our cultural ways of mourning the dead. It began with the announcement of death. The first phase of mourning is the rejection of the news by the bereaved. In the main, our culture schooled us not to accept death except in the cases of the invalids, unduly aged people, and wicked people. So, when death occurred, the bereaved was expected to begin his mourning by exhibiting certain signs of rejection like hysteria, self-afflicted injuries, struggling to injure oneself amidst many hands that try to protect one and so on. Thus, news about death was not only passed euphemistically, but also in the presence of able-bodied men who would do the work of holding the mourner down. To break the news of death without security of mourner-guards was unthinkable and considered callous where done. Though the announcer would have deployed the best euphemism, he would be blameworthy for any harm that befell the bereaved in course of the containment of and adjustment to the sad news if he failed to ensure the safety of the bereaved. That was a traditional pagan mourning. How many people are needed to be present for a Christian to be informed about the loss of his dear one? A Christian need not tumble on ground, or maim himself in protestation of the passing on of a dear one. Doing so is not a Christian virtue because it goes against what St. Paul taught us: “In all circumstances, give thanks, this is the will of God for you” (I Thes. 5:17; Hab. 3:7). The Old Testament Job is a better Christian in his response to the death of his seven Children (Job. 1:1f) than are our Nsukka Christians who reject the death of their dear ones by attempting to injure themselves. With the vague hope about future life available to him (Job.19:25), Job was able to console himself thus: “The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back, blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).
Upon the death of someone, callers are expected for condolences. These are expected to begin to wail upon arrival in the compound or room where the chief mourner stays. If the caller means real tears, s/he will often begin the cry shortly before the compound and until he reaches the room where the chief mourner is. But if the caller does not mean to shed real tears, as many do today, he would be discussing and chatting with companions until s/he gets into the room where the Chief mourner is. There, she begins to scream. Among these callers are co-mourners. The latter, because they are relatives of the deceased will receive official information about the death in their houses. There, they will weep until they are tired. But upon arrival in the compound of the dead or the chief mourner, they are expected to bewail the dead as though it was the first time they heard the sad news. If they did not announce their arrival this way, they are not taken as serious mourners. In most cases, the callers and co-mourners merely shed crocodile tears or at best dry tears. Is this feigned/pretended customary tears Christ-like? Why would someone receive news of the death of someone and preserve his sorrow and cry/tears until he comes into the compound of the deceased or mourner? Why would co-mourners who have shed tears in their own houses be expected to repeat same upon arrival in the compound of the deceased? How long are we going to mourn over our dead ones like pagans?
What is the aim of the tears? Is it to express sorrow at the loss of a dear one? Is it to console the bereaved? Is it to show or announce oneself as a mourner? If it is to show sorrow at the death of a dear one, the tears should be spontaneous and not programmed. This tear would be shed anywhere provided it is according to the swing of one’s emotion. These tears cannot be hoarded, postponed or reproduced. It comes naturally. Wherever these kinds of tears are shed, people know it. It is a tear spun by genuine sorrow. Ideally, this tear is shed wherever one receives the news of death—in the Church, market, hospital, away or at home. It is an uncontrollable catharsis. It is uncontrollable as it should be unrepeatable. Thus, one who has shed this kind of tears at the place where one received the news need not force oneself to reproduce it upon arrival at the house of the dead person. If we cry to console the bereaved, even though it may be spontaneous tears, it is provocative of pain. It suffices that we walk into the home of the bereaved not to induce them to a repeat tears, but to reduce their tears. We need to move from collections of tears to collections of reading the word of God, prayers, exposition of the consoling Christian message about the dead. We need to fill the empty days of mourning (if there should be such days) with Christian message and breathe into it the light of faith. We have to outgrow using fake tears to announce our arrival at the home of the dead. Consequently, we have to stop holding it against people that they did not cry when they came into the compound of the dead. This tear-tax attitude is obsolete, uncivilized, unchristian, and repugnant to sound reason. We should not weep for the dead (except they are lost) nor for the bereaved, but for ourselves. And people must not know how and when we weep for ourselves because of the dead.
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Can Rachel’s mourning in Matt.2:18 be the model of Christian mourning? The citation by Matthew came from Jeremiah 31:15. “The picture in Jeremiah was this. Jeremiah was picturing the people of Jerusalem being led away in exile. On their sad way to an alien land, they pass Ramah, and Ramah was the place where Rachel lay buried (I Samuel 10:2); and Jeremiah pictures Rachel weeping, even in the tomb, for the fate that had befallen the people” (William Barclay, The Gospel of Matthew, Vol. 1, p.44). Rachel refused to be consoled because her children could have averted the fate. On the contrary, death is not avoidable. Rachel was not so much mourning the deportation of Israelites as their heedlessness that caused it. She refused to be consoled as long as the condition that caused the exile remained unchanged. But assuming she mourned her dead children inconsolably, are we to take after her? Matthew Henry answers this question: “Blessed be God, there is no occasion of grief in this world, no, not that which is supplied by sin itself that will justify us in refusing to be comforted! (M. Henry: Complete Commentary of the whole Bible, Matt.2:16-18). Does not the scripture tell us: “Your staff and your crook are there to soothe me”? Unlike Rachel, Christians do not mourn their dead because they are no more. Henry said: “…[W]e know they are not lost, but gone before; if we forget that they are, we lose the best ground of our comfort”( M. Henry: Complete Commentary of the whole Bible, Matt.2:16-18). They are not dead, but alive before God (Lk. 20:38).
From the time of the official announcement of death to the bereaved, the latter was expected to wear mournful look in everything. He should cry for a long time after or during the above struggling, and protest. This cry would have to be repeated as often as there is a caller. He is expected to talk rarely and in low tones. In most cases he will lose his voice to incessant cries, but if it happens that his voice is unaffected, which is not the ideal; he should affect the loss of his voice. He should walk languidly and sluggishly and only when necessary should he walk at all. Otherwise, he should sit in one place. Although people will serve his needs, this sit-in-one place and preferably one position is a mini prison that draws life from mourners. If she is a widow, she has to go out to urinate with the assistance of guards because she is expected to have drained herself so much so that she will not be able to walk on her own without support. If she walks alone without this support, it is a sign that she is failing the mourning test. So, even if she is strong enough, she has to pretend that she needs support to urinate in daytime as well as at night. The chief mourner should be unkempt in dress; he should sob and not contribute in any discussion. In this way, our culture gives credit to the most sorrowful. On the contrary, while sorrow is not antithetical to Christianity, such grim, extreme sorrow at death is not a virtue in Christianity.
Apart from going barefoot, looking shabby, the bereaved are expected to tie a piece of wrapper round their waists. This tied wrapper with a fold of it falling in the pubic region, buttock or either side of the hip points to the onlookers who the wearer is mourning. In addition, custom requires that the bereaved shave their hair so thoroughly. Unless one does that, one is not seen as a serious mourner. In some cases, the ‘Umu-Ada’ will come heavily on any defiant. It has happened that women who treasured their hair had had to mourn the loss of their dear ones together with the loss of their precious hair. In some cases, the mourning of the hair had outlasted the mourning of the dead because it is the one directly impinging on the mourner. Until recently, widows and widowers were expected to wear black sackcloth for one year/or six months. The dominant custom now is to wear white sackcloth thanks to Christianity. But we have to ask whether wearing black or white mourning clothe is called for. There are reasons why these clothes are worn: 1) To show that the wearer is bereaved. 2) To elicit pity/mercy from the people. 3) To reminder the wearer that he/she has not finished serving the mourning term. Well, if we ask the enlightened ones who had worn the customary sackcloth how they felt, they would tell you it was another sorrow besides the loss of the dead. Each of the three reasons given for sackcloth has negative psychological impact on the wearer. It transfixes him to a regular mourning mood as people will be reminding him/her about her/his bereavement in case he forgets; it emphasizes his brokenness and imposes on him vulnerability that expects pity and mercy, and it acts like fetters to remind him/her that she is not yet free to return to full normal life. Thus, our customary mourning system is not designed to console the mourner but to elicit his sorrow.
Do we need to wear any mourning cloth at all? The joy and celebration that mark the end of mourning/wearing mourning cloth is commensurate with the pain of the mourners in the course of mourning and wearing sackcloth. Whether it is black or white sackcloth, it makes the wearer odd in the midst of people. Each wearer is counting down on the day it will come to an end. Even though some pretend to add some days to the customary period (there were women, for instance, who were fed up with nursing their sickly husband, and who wished that their incurably sick husbands might die to relieve them of suffering, but who when their prayers were answered, went on to wear the mourning clothes for a year or more as a sign of sorrow. So, the mourning clothes do not necessarily signify sorrow. For many, such clothes are sheer customary shackles and they wear them in pretense.), everybody wants the mourning period to end so soon. Even the ‘Umu-Ada’ as watchdogs, knows that. That is why they have to unleash deterrent fines on defaulters. Christian mourning is a personal thing. No custom has the power to strictly regulate and determine for the individual how long or short to mourn the dead. We are not required to wear mourning clothes, but we are not condemned for wearing them if we want. Christ did not wear it maybe because clothes were difficult to be had in his time. But anything that increases our sorrow at the death of a dear one instead of our hope in life to come is not Christ-like. Contrary to our traditional custom of mourning, Christianity offers us consolation in mourning. It seeks to create environment that will support and enable the bereaved to move on with life, and not to get stuck in sorrow. The gospel of Christ should set us free from our choking customary mourning (Jn. 8:32).
Furthermore, mourning period in most parts of Nsukka lasted for one full year in the beginning. Currently, it has been reduced. It lasts up to six month today! Within these months, living for mourners is in low-key. His social life and association is subdued. He was not expected to attend meetings. His economic life is not unaffected. His businesses will remain locked down or paralyzed for months. If he is a drug dispenser in a village, for instance, many people may die who needed his service during the time of his mourning. The services of the mourner to the society are grounded to a halt in the course of his protracted mourning. Even his religious life will be played down. If he is a type that holds daily devotion like Morning Mass, he is expected to stop it. He mourns not unto the Lord, but apart from the Lord. After all, many react to the news of death of their loved ones by cursing God. So, we see that our customary mourning imposes on mourners deadly restrictions that put the physical and spiritual life of the mourners at risk. One whose social life and interaction is severely thinned down, as it is the case during mourning, risks suffering from High Blood Pressure. In the same vein, mourners who are restricted from public worship because of their bereavement may have their faith stifled. The custom does not help the bereaved to cope with their loss; instead, it helps the bereaved to suffer their loss more. The custom of mourning that withdraws the mourners from the mainstream of life where he has thrived before the incidence of death is inimical to the psychological and spiritual health of mourners. Would Christ approve of that kind of mourning? Do we go on mourning the dead by killing the living?
Due to our communal nature, the death of a villager affects the whole village. It means that there are more mourners than the immediate or extended family of the deceased. In my village for instance, the death of anyone, even if married outside my village, imposes a four work-free days on those who are in the village. Many steal out to work and they are heavily fined when caught. If one lives outside the village, one is not bound by this compulsory holiday. It means that if there are four persons who die in a year, one has 12 days of unplanned mourning. Have you ever wondered why people avoid village when they want to do business? It is partly because they know that they have many days in a year to cancel—days that are not foreknown by anybody. So, if we have 201 people in a village and one of them dies, we shall have 800 days (4×200) of mourning dedicated to the dead person. That is more than two years of mourning for a single soul! If there are up to four persons who died in a year in that village, you have 3200 days of mourning in a year! This is as bad as it is pagan! Although it is true that during such communal mourning, food and drinks are contributed by the members of the community, it is usually a period heavily marked by spending without earning, a period of eating and drinking without working. The communal gathering around the bereaved is well-intentioned, but the spending obligations that come with it on the side of the bereaved is not minimal. So, is this sit-at-home mourning which many would like to break but for the fear of fine Christian?
Who gave us this custom? How long has it served us and is it not time to review its usefulness? It is important to note that we inherited this mourning custom from our ancient forebears. They were people who lived in era when there was no civil work, formal education and revealed religion. They were mainly farmers who were self-employed. They virtually got their entire foodstuff from their farms and not from market. They were people who had no more ambition than to feed their family and take a title. They never cared, as we do today, to train their children in school. It never was their worry to take their ailing children to expensive hospitals as we do today. They lived mostly in their own huts and mud/thatched houses with nobody being a landlord to any. And nobody had to pay rent even if he lived in another man’s house. The custom originated with people who never had to struggle to pay strangulating electricity bill. They were not as many as we are today and so, death was rare then. Given the aforementioned conditions, it was reasonable for them to evolve long mourning period. Their lives were compatible with the protracted mourning period. They never lost their farming while mourning for a year as we would lose our jobs mourning as such and so on. The long mourning period served them, but is it serving us today in our own time? More importantly, is it useful to us as Christians?
Each era has a peculiar way of responding to perennial task. So, if we must be fair to our forebears, we must acknowledge that their regulations about mourning were the most suitable as far as they and their era were concerned. We will be wrong to judge them in the light of modern discoveries and development in thought and technology. But the thrust of this essay is to show that we are neither right to still judge ourselves by the outdated mourning custom we inherited from the ancients. These customs are spent force. Most of the regulations guiding mourning in Igbo land are pronouncements of ‘Umu-Ada’ (women from a village who are married outside the village). The authority of ‘Umu-Ada’ has been so supreme in this area that it is hardly vetoed. Most of them who laid the foundation of our mourning period were neither Christians nor educated. While these did not vitiate their wisdom in the regulations, one must point out that the possession of both Christianity and education would have given greater ardour to them. Now we have come to a crossroad where we have to ask ourselves: are we to go on quoting ‘Umu-Ada’ as pillars of our mourning period or to quote Christ? Are we to listen to ‘Umu-Ada’ or to the Church? Years back, one would not have raised these questions because then, idolatry was a dominant belief among us. Now that most of the ‘Umu-Ada’ are Christians, why are their regulations about mourning yet to be baptized and Christianized?
How long have people from different culture and religion mourned their dead ones? To answer this question, we have to take a cursory look at the Old Testament and how Jews mourned their dead ones. Normal mourning period in Judaism seems to be seven days (Gen. 50:10). Great personalities like Moses and Aaron were mourned for thirty days (Deut. 34:8; Num. 20:29; I Sam 25:1) anyway. We have a case in Bible where there was ante mortem mourning and no postmortem mourning. For example, David mourned the illness of his first son with Bathsheba…. (2Sam. 12:16) but when he got news that the child had died, he buckled down to activities. This is one mourning in OT that is exemplary even for us in NT. It teaches us to do everything we can to prevent death, but to accept it when it happens inevitably. It is therefore horrible that we can spend months in mourning but not hours with the sick. There is no record in OT of a mourning that lasted for a year or 6 months or even beyond thirty days. The Jews wept (Ps. 6:6), fasted (2Sam.3:35), remained indoor, offered prayers, read the Torah, lit memorial candles, prepared special condolence meal, rent their garments and may wear their hair (forbidden to shave Lev. 19:28; Deut. 14:1) as long as the mourning lasted. So, Judaism as the parent stock of Christianity observed between seven to thirty days of mourning after the death of their dear ones.
Besides, the adherent of Sunni Islam observed a three day mourning period for their dead loved ones and relatives. It is noted that Islamic mourning is observed by increased devotion unlike our own that is marked by decrease in devotion. Why would someone who has suffered long and hard like David to prevent death, suffer long and hard again to mourn the dead? It is arguable whether the culture that observes less mourning days for the dead have less value for human life. We may need long mourning period among those who have little or no value for human life and those who are near brute that they may have regard for human life. So, there is a sense in which long mourning is suggestive of our people’s valuation of life– their sense of sanctity of life. It is arguable whether the removal of protracted mourning among such people will have negative correlation with the sanctity of human life. But I argue that it may only impart negatively on the value of human life if and only if there is no other foundation like the Bible or Koran upon which the sacredness of human life is found and highlighted. In any case, if long mourning is so beneficial a means of teaching the ignorant the value of human life, of what use is it for the vast majority of learned people of today? It is a sheer waste of time for those who already know the value of human life. The best foundation for the sanctity of human life should be grounded not on mourning period but on the belief system.
Now that we are Christians, how should Christians mourn their dead ones? As Christians, we learn from Jesus. Did Jesus mourn the dead? It is clear that Jesus was like us in everything but sin (Heb. 4:15). No wonder when the news was brought to him that Lazarus was dead, he wept (Jn. 11:35). This shows that mourning is normal human emotion that must not be repressed. But should this emotion be fostered and fed? Perhaps, the reaction of Jesus to the death of John the Baptist will help to clarify us. The evangelist Matthew reported that when the news of the death of John the Baptist reached Jesus, he went to a lonely place where he could be alone with the apostles (Mt. 14:13). If we stop at this verse, we will see that Jesus mourned the death of John the Baptist by withdrawing from the public. But no sooner had he withdrawn than the crowd sought him. Jesus could have excused himself from the crowd by simply telling them to leave him alone that he was mourning. But he did not give his mourning of John the Baptist’s death as an excuse from his public ministry. Thus, he continued his healing ministry and performed the miracle of the loaves (Mt. 14:14f). Jesus shows us that the best mourning over the dead is to go on doing the right thing. His reaction to the death of John the Baptist again shows that he kept working without intermission as did his Father (Jn. 5:17). Where then did we copy the compulsory/customary six month mourning period?
Biblical exegetes agree that St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus died before the public ministry of Jesus. Does it now strike us that never were we told about the death of Joseph or the sorrow of Jesus at the death of Joseph? The death of Joseph did not even make a headline in any of the evangelists. The reason is that joy is at the heart of Christianity, not sorrow (Pope Francis). We may ask: how long did Virgin Mary mourn the death of Joseph? No mention was made of that too because the message of the Kingdom was so heavenly worded that those who heard it counted the earth as lost (Phil 3:8-10; 1:21ff). The belief that earth’s loss is heaven’s gain de-emphasized elaborate mourning. We further ask: how long did Mary mourn the death of Jesus? If long mourning of the dead was actually a virtue which Christianity wanted to promote, we would have had a word or two about the duration of Mary’s sorrow. Although Mary is the Mother of sorrow, Christian vocation is not a mournful one. Her greater sorrow and more prolonged sorrow was not about the death of Jesus but about the sin and impenitence of her other children. We emphasize sorrow for sins, but not sorrow at the death of a dear one. We may mourn more the manner of dying more than the fact of dying itself. In other words, we may mourn the crime of preventable death like murder, abortion, capital punishment etc more than death itself. Such mourning serves a deterrent purpose, namely, it discourages the crime. But even at that, this mourning should not endanger the life of the living.
We have ample examples in the lives of saints both how to mourn and how long it should last. For instance, St. Augustine speaking about his extreme grief at the death of his friend said: “My heart was utterly darkened by this grief. Whatever I looked at was death. My native country was torture to me, and my father’s house, a strange unhappiness…. I hated all things because he was not in them” (The Confession, bk. iv Ch. iv). It is exactly this kind of extreme sorrow at the death of dear one that is unchristian. He later described his over-bloated mourning as “[O] madness which does not know how to love men as men! (The Confession, bk. iv, chap vii). Ripened faith does not lose anyone it loved in God: “Blessed is the man who loves you, and his friends in you, and his enemy for your sake. For he alone loses none dear to him, if all are dear in him, who cannot be lost” (St. Augustine, The Confession, Bk. iv, chap. ix). It follows from this that over-mourning the dead is a sign of disordered love. Later, we learnt from St. Monica that the dead need our prayers, not our sorrow: “Lay this body anywhere; do not let the care for that trouble you in any way. My only request is this: remember me at the Lord’s altar wherever you are” (St. Augustine, The Confession, bk.ix, ch xi). A good number of us who mourn six months never offered any prayer for the dead and they soon forget the dead as soon as the mourning drudgery is over. St. Augustine writes about reaction to his mother’s death thus: “I closed her eyes; and a mighty sorrow flooded my heart, overflowing into tears. My eyes, at the same time, by violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament. But then, checked by us all, he held his peace. In the same way a childish felling in me, seeking its outlet in weeping, was checked and silenced” (St. Augustine, The Confession, bk.ix, ch.xii). Here is an unfeigned flow of sorrow checked by the power of the will. Described as childish feeling, St. Augustine sees sorrowing at death not as a sign of maturity of faith. That childishness, which is natural, has to be checked by our faith, and not nursed by our custom. The fact that the dead are not lost altogether makes protracted mourning meaningless (Ezk. 24:16-18).
So, there is a Christian mourning as well as a pagan mourning. A Christian mourning like a Christian anger does not last long (Eph. 4:26), but a pagan mourning lasts long. A Christian mourning is consolable mourning because of the hope of resurrection (2Thess. 4:13-18), but a pagan mourning is mostly hopeless and or at best uncertain about its hope. A pagan mourning is done to fulfill a laid down rules and to avoid human castigation, Christians should not mourn to please men. A pagan mourning is continued because that is the way it has always been, Christians asks whether it is compatible with the message of Christ, not blindly because it has always been there. Pagan mourners mourn death as well as the dead, Christian mourners mourn not death, but the dead for a while. The former mourn death because it is the greatest calamity in their worldview, but in Christian worldview, death is a friend. Christians only mourn the temporal severance of their loved one from them. A Christian hero is not one who mourns longest, but one who mourns shortest. Our heroes are the ones who are able to quickly pick up from the rubbles of their bereavement and continue their own race. Even in moments of peace, Christian mourning is like the mourning of a soldier lost in the battle field. We mourn briefly while moving on with the battle for victory. In pagan mourning there is a retreat and surrender to death because of the dead, while in Christian mourning, there should be no retreat nor surrender to death because of the dead. An Italian Professor lost his father and on the day of the burial, he moved from class to the venue and the next day he was back to the class. It will take us time to come to the full enjoyment of the freedom that Jesus brought to us. His Gospel is proclaimed in hearing that we may be freed (Luk. 4:18ff).
Apart from asking how should a Christian mourn over his dead ones, we may need to ask: how long should a Christian mourn over his dead ones? We have seen there have been various spans of mourning beginning from the Old Testament. We have also seen that the current six months or three were not the original mourning periods in Igboland. In other words, mourning period is subject to change with the passage of time. Now, the question about how long a Christian should mourn his dead one is a personal question for some reasons. First, there are those who are bedridden for long. The loved ones had suffered so much in caring for them. For some dead ones, the illness got to a point where they prayed God to take their lives and spare their dear ones from further suffering in attending to them. With the compulsory six month mourning across the board, the relatives of those who suffered protracted illnesses before death are subjected to double agony. They move from the stress of catering for the long sufferer to the compulsory sit-at home mourning period. In all sincerity, these people should choose how long to mourn the dead if at all they need to. Secondly, there are cases where the dead were oppressors of the survivors such that their death is covertly celebrated as relief. You can get two persons who are anything but cordial friends and at death the survivor is expected, even against his wish, to mourn the deceased according to the stipulated number of months. In this case also, those who survived the dead should choose how to mourn and the duration of the mourning. Thirdly, there are those among the bereaved who have health challenges that may require gym or that are inimical to sedentary life. For these people to observe the compulsory mourning period will spell danger for their own lives. Since he who wears the shoes knows where they pinch, these people too should be allow to choose the style and length of mourning that are amenable to their health. Fourthly, there are those who lived so transparent good life that mourning their exit the way we do is a sheer waste of time. Based on the above reasons, it will be bad for Christianity to come so low as to specify the duration of mourning for all Christians in all circumstances. Hence, the Code of Canon Law was silent on Christian mourning of the dead but vocal on Christian funeral. Mourning should be left at the discretion of the bereaved. So, the regulations we have had in towns about the duration of mourning is ultrafine. Christians should be free hence to decide how long or short they will mourn their dead ones, and no longer go by the blanket customary regulation. But no matter the choice they make, as people of hope in resurrection, Christians should not engage in prolonged mourning.
Prolonged mourning over the dead is generally perceived as a sign of love for the dead. But it can also be a sign of protest against God for taking away a loved one. Such mourning shows how much we love the dead, and how less we love God. The duration our mourning lasts is the same duration it takes the bereaved to accept the will of God. Therefore, it takes an average Nsukka person six months to accept the will of God in matters of death. This is true otherwise it would be absurd to accept the will of God about the dead yet go on mourning. If we accept the will of God within the first month of the death of someone dear to us, why would we go on mourning for six month? The six month mourning period is best suited to our idolatrous culture! That is the culture that sees virtually nothing good about death. Christianity on the contrary sees death as a way to God, the way of God (Christ passed through it) and for God. We could not mourn our dead ones for six month and meaningfully recite in the Lord’s Prayer: “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Mt. 6:10). Prolonged mourning of the dead goes against the three theological virtues of love, faith and hope. It goes against love because it is a misguided love to love creature more than God; it is against faith because as long as it lasts, the mourners do not believe in the promises of God; and it goes against hope which seems buried with the dead as the mourning lasts. It should not take a pious Christian six months to accept and adjust to the will of God!
Why do we mourn at all? People grieve for various reasons. There are those who mourn the dead because of their lost opportunities in the dead. This is the prevalent mourning. It is the mourning where the mourners grieve their lost chances in the dead. It is the kind of mourning you see when one cries inconsolably because the dead promised her job, but was yet to fulfil it when he died. It is the mourning that goes for every bread winner of a family. It is the mourning given to providers and protectors. It is a self-centered mourning where mourners grieve their lost chances, dependence etc on the dead. Here they bemoan their poverty or exposure to certain risk because of the exit of the dead. The dead are mourned here not for their own sake but for the sake of the mourners. Pay attention during the mourners’ sing-song cry and you will hear: “You promised me that you will send me to school”; “Who will help me to bring up these children” etc. This is the most common mourning among our people and we inherited it from our culture. It is the mourning that is protracted. Surely, those who mourn like that do not cry for the dead, they cry for themselves. It is short of Christian mourning because it shows that mourners put their trust in man rather than in God (Jer. 17:5). Other people mourn not because of any material benefit but because of a loss of interaction and dialogical intimacy between the living and the dead. Here, mourners are consolable because what they mourn as loss they will regain in God by faith, hope and love. Faith teaches them that they are still in communion with the dead, hope teaches them that they will rejoin them sooner and love shows how they who loved God will never be lost. This is not entirely without self-interest though. Mourners may cry and say: would that you were mature in faith; who will teach me the ways of God like you did etc. Mourning when done in moderation is necessary as a way of showing our value of human life especially among the unenlightened ones.
What kind of mourning would I like people to hold after my own death? When I die, rather than gather and stay months, rather than cancel travel plan or business trip, instead of sitting down to mourn in a place, please do me this favour: convert the idle mourning period to a useful end by visiting the prisoners, the sick, feeding the hungry, giving water to the thirsty, clothing the naked, etc in my name. If you can spend one week doing it for me, please bounce back to your normal work without forgetting to pray for me at the altar. Blessed are those who mourn like this, for they shall be comforted (Mtt. 5:4). With St. Paul, I conclude: “Our time is growing short. Those who have wives should live as though they had none, and those who mourn should live as though they had nothing to mourn for …because the world as we know it is passing away” (I Cor. 7:29-31). It is high time we mourned as Christians.
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