By Njideka Eze
Dear Enjay,
Thank you so much for that insight into Healing from abortion discussed last edition. I really appreciate you for that particular write up. A friend of mine has been in a dilemma and that kind of article was just what she needed.
To my own concern now…I am in a relationship and i’m hoping it will lead to marriage from all indications. My only concern is how to keep my virginity until my wedding night.
My Dear Reader,
Thanks so much for this feedback. Your decision to keep your virginity until you are married is noble and I will always encourage whoever has taken this decision to keep it. It really pays at last. And for some girls who also think there are health implications of remaining virgins until you are married, I tell you that there are no such health concerns.
A lot of women grew up believing that they would wait to have sex when they were married. What they didn’t realize was truly how hard that would be. They weren’t taught tools (or if they were, they didn’t hear them) of how to navigate that as an adults
Dating guys who are not on the same page as you also makes holding off on sex really hard.
So let me ask you, are you on the same page on this decision with your fiancée? If not, he will pressure you into giving in which may lead to the end of the relationship or breaking this vow you have decided to keep
However, there are a few things you need to know which may help you keep to this decision you made.
- Does he truly respect your decision?
It is almost impossible for a guy who doesn’t feel strong about holding off on sex before marriage to respect your decision and not pressure you in any way. Honestly, many people these days just take sex at a certain point in the relationship as a given—and don’t really give too much thought to whether they would ever do it another way. Presented with this more alternative way of dating, a guy who likes you may totally be willing to give it a try.
A guy who respects your decision to hold off on sex will accept your explanation without question, ask you how he can be the most helpful in this regard, and encourage you to let him know if he is crossing any lines or making things difficult for you.
A guy who is just hoping he can wear you down and get what he wants, behaves differently. So let me ask you, is he constantly asking you to explain yourself or defend your decision? What it, that’s a red flag. Even if he is just joking, this subtle pressure may not go down well for a long-term relationship.
- Don’t wait until you are already in a horizontal position to tell him.
Probably, the biggest mistakes most people who take this kind of decision you took make, is not telling the guy that they are waiting for marriage. They keep this until things had already gotten heated and they are in a horizontal position on the couch or in a bed. Men get excited, and while you may have your mind on other things, he is surely already thinking about what’s next. So , don’t wait until things are already heated up before telling him you are abstaining.
This creates a lot of frustration; he will feel defeated and very bad. They take it personally and react much more negatively than if you had shared your feelings
- Learn to articulate yourself with confidence.
Remember you know why you have chosen to wait. But for him and others, it can be a really foreign concept, not the normal thing. So, if he is not on the same page with you, don’t judge him, articulate your convictions clearly and let nothing sweep you off your feet
I have a unique perspective, which I admit makes it a little bit easier to explain, in that I’ve been on both sides of the argument. Talk about the freedom that holding off on sex provides. Let him know that it at least keeps you physically and emotionally safe. And above all and more importantly, sex before marriage is fornication and it’s against the commandment of God. Or do we take it for granted that God understands?. Whatever your reasons are, don’t be ashamed of them, and be open with your guy about why you are going against the grain on this one.
- Discover his love language to show him how much you love him in other ways.
Our society tends to make us believe that sex is the only way to show someone we truly, deeply love them. But the truth is, it can be so easy to fall into bed together because our bodies crave it so much. It takes more effort to show love in other ways, and this ultimately sets us up for a deeper and richer experience. Oftentimes you find that a man just wants to feel loved, and if you want his body, he feels that. He may have never had someone love him in a different way.
Your partner may feel most loved through acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts.
I think every man believes his love language is physical touch, but if he takes the test, he might be surprised to see that he really feels love when you notice the trash can is full and take it out for him or get him a new boxers or show concern about his aspirations and so on. There are so many ways to show love, and you would be doing yourself and your guy a favor if you explored all the possibilities.
Let me share this story with you…
I have this friend who even got engaged to a guy. The guy was always on her neck to have sex, while the girl had taken a decision like yours. The girl told me that sometimes, the guy will understand but will lose it at other times. The guy couldn’t wait, just a fling got a girl pregnant for him and of course, he can’t deny it, he had no option than to marry the girl. What then happened to my friend? Her heart was shattered into pieces (as she told me) she was traumatized, she blamed herself for pushing the guy away, she couldn’t forgive herself. It was a real tough time for this girl. I saw her go down! She went for counseling and it took the grace of God to make her realize that what she left or who left her doesn’t worth dying for.
While passing through that traumatic experience, she rediscovered herself and saw that as an opportunity to invest in herself. She got an opportunity to do her Masters Degree outside the country, finished and is working over there. The good news is, she would call me and tell me how happy she is not getting married to the guy after all. And am sure you can guess why?
So make up your mind that this decision may not really end well. However it ends, it’s all to the glory of God.
Keep your virginity till you are married, it worth it
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